101 Things England Is Not Allowed To Do
by IgirisuK
Summary: I've seen a couple of these for other nations, but never one for England. So... I give you 101 Things England Is Not Allowed To Do. :3


I, Arthur Kirkland, do solemnly swear in the presence of all the other nations NEVER to do the following things, EVER again.

I will never tell France where he can shove it again.

He will take it literally, blast him.

I will never attempt to cast the Nations in a production of Shakespeare again.

Especially not while I, or any of the other players, are drunk.

This goes doubly for Romeo and Juliet. France wanted to play Romeo.

And A Midsummer Night's Dream. France wanted to play Puck.

AND Titus Andronicus. Especially where Russia is concerned. :P

I will never, ever, EVER try to use an Engorgement charm on France's bloody rose.

It doesn't just make the rose bigger.

[Redacted for pervertedness]

This is MY 101 things I'm Not Allowed to Do, frog. Go find your own. :P

Where was I? Oh, right.

I will not show America the news reports from Doctor Who and convince them that they're real.

In fact, I will not show America Dr. Who at all. It will give him the entirely wrong idea about things.

What, like that you have a massive crush on David Tennant?

Shut up, North Ireland.

Mind, Doctor Who IS fairly gorgeous.

And straight. *sigh*

And I'd have to fend off Captain Jack. Or hook him up with the frog.

I'm not allowed to show Russia ANY Sandman comic. He will get bad, bad ideas.

Like the 'black-button-eye' incident. *shudder*

Make that ANYTHING by Neil Gaiman.

And don't give Alfred American Gods, either. He will flip his bloody wig.

My wig isn't bloody!

Shut up, Alfred.

I will not call Scotland's haggis 'intestines' while he's eating it.

-Even though that's what it really is.-

Oi, don't insult my food, or I'll insult yours! You burn water!

That's physically impossible, Scot. .

I will not throw buckets of water at Belarus to get her to melt.

Just because she acts like a witch doesn't mean she's soluble.

Or magical.

I will not force-feed anyone my cooking.

Or attempt to use it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Especially against Italy.

Or France.

Or America.

It wouldn't work on America anyway, he has no taste.

Eating burgers all day does that to you.

I will not show ANYONE any of the fanfic I have written.

I will DEFINITELY not leave them out where anyone can find them. Especially not Sealand, he'll get wrong ideas.

I will not tell Alfred the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. For ANY reason.

Or tell him that white mice are our secret overlords, and the universe is a computer.

He probably wouldn't get the reference, anyway.

I will not insist that 'cookies' are biscuits and 'biscuits' are scones.

Or that 'fries' are chips and 'chips' are crisps.

I will not make fun of Alfred for crying at the end of Revenge of the Sith.

I did the EXACT same thing at the end of Harry Potter, and should show some respect.

Even though Star Wars is bloody awful.

I will never again use the number '69', or any number CONTAINING the numerals 69, in front of France. In any context.

He had to explain to me what it was. It was dreadful.

[Redacted for pervertedness]

Belt up, Francis. You can shove- wait a moment. .

I will not insist that everyone around me read odd British fantasy novels no one else knows about.

I will not refer to myself as King Arthur.

Or to my 'sword' as Excalibur.

I will not try to trick people into sitting in Busby's chair.

Even though only Russia ever sits in it.

I am not allowed to call Russia a Dalek, a Cyberman, or a Slitheen. He knows these are uncomplimentary, even if he doesn't know what they are.

I am never allowed to summon Cthulu.

I am NEVER allowed to introduce Cthulu to Japan. EVER.

There are some things man is not meant to know, and what Sakura did to Cthulu is one of them.

[Redacted for pervertedness]

Yes, Francis, I'm sure you know EXACTLY what that would feel like. I'm not interested in finding out. :P

While we're on the subject of Japan, I'm not allowed to give Sakura ANY of my spy gear.

Particularly not the pinhole cameras.

I am not allowed to try to get my hands on the pictures she takes with them, especially not the ones of America.

I'm not allowed to BRIBE her into taking pictures of America by summoning Chthulu.

In fact, I'm not allowed to bribe her into taking pictures of America at all, no matter how much we both want them.

[Redacted for pervertedness]

Francis, it's a bloody NUMBER. Get over yourself.

I am not allowed to kill people for saying needlepoint is a girly hobby.

It IS a girly hobby.

Scotland, don't make me hurt you.

And it's not a girly hobby if you're needlepointing a magic circle to summon a demon from the DEPTHS OF HELL. .

I am not allowed to change other nation's ringtones to 'London Calling'.

Or 'Anarchy in the UK'.

Or "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt".

The sad thing is, France kept it. I think he prefers it to his old one.

No one knows what a 'smegging gimboid' is. As such, I'm not allowed to call ANYONE one.

No, not even France.

I guess 'w***er' will do just as well.

[Redacted for pervertedness]

[Redacted for pervertedness]

What do you mean, 'not everything you say is perverted'? Seems like it to me.

I am not allowed to tell America that 'The definition of a hero is someone who gets other people killed.'

Even though he likes firefly. Go figure.

I am not allowed to dangle an ice cream cone on a fishing line in front of America's head.

Or South Ireland's.

I am not allowed to steal Turkey's fez and run around with it all day, saying that fezzes are cool.

I am not allowed to put out biscuits- sorry, cookies- for Santa.

At least, not homemade ones.

Finland said they were very tasty, but he broke three of his teeth.

I knew taking cooking lessons from Hagrid was a bad, bad idea.

If I see a unicorn, a mint bunny, or a faerie, I do not need to announce the fact to the entire world.

And I do not need to make fun of America if he sees aliens.

Even if they're made with CGI.

I do not need to kill Francis EVERY TIME he reminds me 'Allons-y' is a French phrase.

Even though the Doctor is the only reason I use it.

In fact, homicide is nearly always a bad idea.

Unless it's Francis. .

Well, that's 101 things I'm not allowed to do. Fortunately...

*gets out sunglasses*

The rules were made to be broken. :D


End file.
